


Pieces of Snow

by Sthep



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Depression, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 12:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18549832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sthep/pseuds/Sthep
Summary: Baz hadn't realized how much Simon had been truly affected after that night until he sees him pulling all nighters.





	Pieces of Snow

Baz

 

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

  
Snow lifts his head from his arms to see me, but he doesn’t say anything. He looks so small sitting there in the corner of the couch, with the telly on but on mute. I hate to think he has been sitting here for hours, alone, afraid.

  
“Simon? Love?” I kneel in front of him, taking his hand. For a moment, he doesn’t recognize me. His soul. Like I am a stranger he met at a café: he sees right through me.

  
But then he comes back to me. He always does. “I didn’t want to wake you up. I didn’t want you to see me like this”

  
This is not the first time he sees me through empty eyes. At first, we didn’t know how truly bad it was. The trauma, I mean. When he and Penny first came to this apartment, we thought what had happened that night was something we would just have to move on from. Something we had ready made peace with. But we were so extraordinarily wrong, because Simon went downhill slowly.

  
“Simon, Simon…” I climb next to him on the couch and pull him next to me, careful with his tail and wings. My tight is right under his while my other leg rests against the sofa, against his back. Maybe this will help, I tell myself. Me, surrounding him, wrapping him up with my body, showing I care. Does he know? That I care? Why would he try so actively to hide his nighttime breakdowns from me? Am I a bad boyfriend?

  
Tonight, his eyes recognized me, but I fear one of these days he won’t. I fear he’ll go someplace where I can’t reach him. That he’ll slip away, now, that we are supposed to be having our happily ever after. But this is it: this is the part of the movie in the heroes stories they cut out after the ending. How could a boy slay a monster and have him sleep soundly at night? We never thought about the things he lost, the things he had to sacrifice within. They never talked about how his loved ones would have to witness the withering; The pacing back and forth at three in the morning, the fast breathing, the fear of sleeping (for whatever reason).

  
How can I save him, this beautiful boy, my sun?

  
“I’m sorry” he cries in my arms “I’m broken”  
No, they didn’t show this in the movies.

“You’re not broken, love. You’re absolutely perfect”

  
Months back, I would have added some kind of insult to my compliment, but that feels like a lifetime a go. Maybe it is because this is not quite that guy he was before, not right now. He doesn’t accuse me of plotting, nor makes a mess of himself while eating, simply because he hasn’t been eating much lately. I’m not sure if I’m the same either.

Something’s been switched in our dynamic, something important down to our very core.  
He is right, but I’m never going to tell him. He is broken, for now. He is like a puzzle whose pieces got scattered around and need putting back together. But broken like this, he is still my Simon Snow. He is still that boy I fell in love with so many years a go. He’s still here, breathing in my arms. Alive. Yes, we’ve changed. But not enough, not like that.  
In my arms, in this very moment, I hold the single most precious thing in the world.  
Snow doesn’t respond, and after a moment I take his hand and drag him to the kitchen, where I take out two bowls and fill them with cereal then milk (in that order, because I’m not a psychopath). We sit side to side on the floor, eating. Or at least he tries.

  
“I want to have the tail and wings removed, somehow” he says quietly. I know he’s been feeling insecure about them. When we’re touching each other, the moment I touch his tail he jumps out of my reach. And his wings, well, he can’t leave the house unless one of us cast a spell on them, and sometimes none of us are within reach (which is absolute shit). Maybe part of the problem is not only facing what he had to do that night, but him not being able to leave the house, to live a somewhat normal life now that he has lost magic. Okay. Maybe that loss is our third issue here.

  
“Okay”

  
“Yeah?” his eyes search for mine.

  
“If this is what you want, I support you. Although if this is for me, you know I don’t care about your tail, Snow. I care about you. Only you”

  
He smiles shyly. At least it’s something. “I know. I just think I’d be happier without it. More comfortable with myself”

  
I take both our bowls out of our hands and place them on the floor. I pull my boy back against me once more, dipping my face in the space between his shoulder and neck. The best is, his hands reach for me as well.

  
“Promise me you’ll wake me up”

  
“But your uni…”

  
“I’ll make those decisions, Snow. Will you wake me up? ”

  
“I promise”

  
“Good”

  
When we go back to bed, Snow doesn’t sleep right away. Hours pass by in which I run my hand across his back while he lays on top of me. By six in the morning, he finally falls asleep. I don’t go to uni, but it’s okay.

Everything is okay because I’m too busy mending pieces of Snow.


End file.
